Archive for August, 2011

Failing Sucks

Failing stinks.

And it’s darn hard to blog about.  Over the past couple of years I’ve posted my struggles with alcohol but most of it’s been set in the past.  As if it was all behind me. 

Well, I hate to say it, but it isn’t.  During my time in rehab I learned a lot about what my fellow addicts go through.  Frankly, I learned a lot more than I ever wanted.  Drugs must be hard to kick but I often think that at least nobody has to pass by a billboard for crack or see meth on sale in the grocery store.

Well for those of us whose weakness is alcohol, that isn’t true.  It’s everywhere. 

Did you know that mouthwash is 22% alcohol?  I did.  And even on a Sunday when you can’t by alcohol anywhere else you can buy it.

Sounds crazy doesn’t it?  I used to watch the show “Intervention” and see people do that and think how screwed up they were.  Well…there you go. 

I don’t recommend it.  It tastes terrible and makes your stomach hurt.  Plus, when your mind clears it’s hard to think of many things much seedier. 

So, since I’ve been honest about stuff up to this point.  Here I go again.

I failed.   I drank.  No excuse.  I can blame a lot on everything that happens after the first drink…’cause that’s what that stuff does.  However there is no excuse for the first one..

If you’re wondering why.  I don’t have a good reason.  Nothing that would sound logical or sensible to anyone.  I guess we drunks think that we can have the feeling of the first buzz and then stop…even though we’ve never done it before…

Admitting failure sucks and it’s a huge barrier to recovery.  Failing and making a “recovery” ….that I can take.  But putting everybody through another round of this mess is the last thing I ever wanted to do.  It keeps you from asking for help because you know you’ll see the looks of disappointment on the faces of those you love.

So….you lie.  When faced with incontrovertible proof of your stupidity you come up with the most creative load of crap you can imagine and you throw that mess out there.  Because they want to believe you, sometimes your loved ones let it go even though they have to know something is not right. 

This is a hard place to live.  It’s nobody’s fault but mine but it all goes so much further than me.  I can’t take it back.

So what’s next?  Something I absolutely hate.  Meetings.  Accountability.  Stuff that most of you don’t have to do.  You don’t have to toss away your evenings to hang out in a room full of fellow drunks.  You don’t have to have people come check on you when your alone.  That’s the privilege you get by not tossing all trust in you away.  That’s where I’m at today. 

So, you want to read a drunk’s blog.  Here it is.  This is who we are.  It’s a never ending battle.  It’s the ugly part. 

But…I’m not giving up….